SQUIRREL!

Consistently consistent.

Over the years there have been a lot of ups and downs, ins and outs, this and that's. But one thing remains consistent: my follow through never keeps up with my initial enthusiasm.

Lots of things have been going on over the last few months, and packing up a house full of crap confirms that I have full-on ADD. Digging through boxes and closets reveals a never ending string interests and hobbies. I am a little scared that if I don't change my ways I will find myself in an episode of hoarders one of these days.

Examples: school, work, exercise, every hobby I have ever had, blogging. I am still interested in all of these things, I just find something else I am interested in more and move to the next thing. I am a dabbler in a million different things. As part of some recent self reflection, I realize that I am not present in the moment very often. I need to slow down, simplify, listen and take it all in.

I am one of the dogs from the movie Up. SQUIRREL! A bit unfocused and easily distracted. But I like to think that this makes me quirky and endearing, rather than flaky and frustrating.

My "new" house is half the size and ten times the ghetto. But it has tons of potential, is in a great area that is walking distance to plenty of shops, restaurants and bars, and will be absolutely fabulous one of these days. Right now it's kind of like your crazy Uncle Earl - sagging in the middle, a little dilapidated, wearing some out-of-date fashions, and a little offbeat, but still your favorite.

I have been kind of busy working on my life list too. Updates to follow.

Goodbye 2010, it's time to move on

So, anyway. What a year, huh?

Suffice it to say that 2010 didn't turn out the way that I thought it would. Major life changes. Ups and downs. Endings and beginnings. Happiness and sadness. A new dog. A new (old) house. A plan to get back on track.

I will leave 2010 with the same image I started it with. And the hope that 2011 will be these things and more.

Full Circle

Last week I sat in the car crying at the park across the street from the first apartment I lived in when I moved to Dallas. I met the Rockstar my first day of work. He had gotten promoted and I was hired to take his old job. We were the only younger people in the group at the time and I had just moved to town and didn’t know a soul. We worked a lot of late hours and became fast friends. He invited me out to meet his friends. In time they became my friends too. He took in my dog until I could find an apartment.

We spent a lot of time really talking about a lot of deep stuff. He was coming off a relationship where he was truly passionately deeply in love and they just couldn’t make it work. I was engaged. We told each other things that you might not tell someone you were dating. Things that usually only your oldest closest friends know. Things that nobody knows. We became inseparable. We had marathon Southpark viewing sessions in my apartment, we moved him out of an apartment in the middle of the night.

A few months in (over lunch at Chili’s) he looked at me and said that he didn’t want me to get married. He wanted us to be together. I knew that was what I wanted too. The next few weeks were the hardest of my life up to that point. I carried a lot of shame and guilt and sadness. I flaked on my friends and hid from everyone for awhile but I was truly crazy happy and sure of my decision.

It's twelve years later and I look back and I can't believe how much things changed. The fault lies with both of us. Things that have been said, things left unsaid.

The last few weeks now have the honor of being the hardest of my life. I don't remember a time when I felt this much raw emotion. There has been a lot of anger, but mostly I am profoundly sad. I am having a hard time imagining exactly what's ahead for me. We both have regrets, but I don't regret the life we created together. I mourn for the loss of so many things, but most especially I mourn the loss of my best friend and soulmate. I want nothing but the best for him, and I hope he finds it.

Change is inevitable - except from a vending machine

Lots and lots of changes are going on at the casa de therefore I am.

After 12 years together, the Rockstar and I have decided to split up. It's been coming for a while, but it's not easy. Some days have been pretty miserable, other days I am doing ok. I would never trade the years and experiences we have had together. We will most likely sell the house and we have to work out an arrangement for the mutts. We have a lot of years worth of life to sort through.

While all of this was going on, Minnie had a run in with a bobcat or maybe a coyote. She broke her femur in several places. She has an orthopedic surgeon and has been under rabies quarantine. After the first surgery she broke some steel pins in her cast and had to go back in for a second surgery. I could have bought a used car with what we've paid the vet. But she should be ok, so that's all that matters.

As they say, change is inevitable, growth is optional. It's up to you to decide.

Happy Friday!

There are always things to be happy about. This week:

neighbors bearing margaritas

catching up with old friends

summer rainstorms

sparkly pink cupcakes for the neighbor kid's 5th birthday

surviving another week of triathlon training

my two fabulous little dogs

Three birds with one seashell

I have had a very productive week in the 101 in 1001 Life List department! Maggie says that just the act of writing down your list is transformative, and she is right. Many of the goals on my list have been banging around the back of my mind for years. But having a list that I carry around with me and that I have told people about makes a difference. I look for ways to complete goals and check things off. I keep my eyes out for things to add. When I see something that others are doing that I want to try, I do.

So, with about three weeks of planning I hopped a plane to Belize all by myself! Just prior to leaving I scrambled around to get my open water certification so that I could knock number eight off the list. I randomly selected Belize after googling yoga retreats (and I never made it to a yoga class while I was there! Sorry number thirty-one!)

In the days leading up to the trip I was excited. The thought of a break from everything and some peace and quiet sounded awesome. No laundry, no cleaning, no conference calls. No one else to worry about and flying by the seat of my pants.

Just before I left, some things happened that made me have to rearrange and scramble some more. On the bad side, I never really finished making plans or doing research. On the good side, I got to spend some time with old friends. So by the time I left, I hadn't been thinking about my trip much at all.

I had a great time. I read a book, lounged in a hammock, by the pool and on the beach. I sailed, snorkeled, dove, and climbed some Mayan ruins. I ate, drank and took some naps. There were a few times I was a little lonely and wished that the Rockstar was there, and a couple times when I saw groups of girls laughing together that I missed my friends. But I enjoyed traveling alone. It's a different experience and it didn't allow me to fall into the same patterns that I would normally fall into when I travel. I took the time to watch and to talk to people. By the time I left, I knew a few of the locals by name and they knew me too.

Lots of people thought I was crazy, but I am very glad that I took the plunge out of my comfort zone.

So, I am marking complete:

Scuba Dive (8)

Go to the beach (16)

Take a trip by myself (17)

And partially complete:

travel to three countries I have never been to before (5)

leave my country once a year (7)

trying foods I have never tried before (61)

Vacation, all I ever wanted. Vacation, have to get away!

Lately, I feel like I am somewhat close to a nervous breakdown. I am overworked, over stressed, and over extended.

But . . . things are looking up. Very soon I will be here:

doing this:

this:

and definitely this:

I am excited about this trip. I am going to knock three things off my life list, and partially complete two more. I am going to the beach, going scuba diving, and taking a trip alone. It's kind of weird though - people feel sorry for me.

I have great friends, great family, a pretty nifty Rockstar, and four fabulous mutts. Any and all of them could come too. But the thought taking a trip alone to decompress is very exciting. I don't have to worry about feeding anyone but myself, laundry, scheduling or doing anything I don't want to do. I also have to rely on myself for all decisions. Tentative plans include sleeping, eating, sampling the local rum, scuba diving and/or snorkeling, yoga and reading. Maybe a trip to some Mayan ruins or caves if I am feeling particularly ambitious. If not, I will lounge on the beach or in a hammock. Yes, you can see how tragic it is that I will be traveling alone.