Monday, October 25, 2010

Full Circle

Last week I sat in the car crying at the park across the street from the first apartment I lived in when I moved to Dallas. I met the Rockstar my first day of work. He had gotten promoted and I was hired to take his old job. We were the only younger people in the group at the time and I had just moved to town and didn’t know a soul. We worked a lot of late hours and became fast friends. He invited me out to meet his friends. In time they became my friends too. He took in my dog until I could find an apartment.

We spent a lot of time really talking about a lot of deep stuff. He was coming off a relationship where he was truly passionately deeply in love and they just couldn’t make it work. I was engaged. We told each other things that you might not tell someone you were dating. Things that usually only your oldest closest friends know. Things that nobody knows. We became inseparable. We had marathon Southpark viewing sessions in my apartment, we moved him out of an apartment in the middle of the night.

A few months in (over lunch at Chili’s) he looked at me and said that he didn’t want me to get married. He wanted us to be together. I knew that was what I wanted too. The next few weeks were the hardest of my life up to that point. I carried a lot of shame and guilt and sadness. I flaked on my friends and hid from everyone for awhile but I was truly crazy happy and sure of my decision.

It's twelve years later and I look back and I can't believe how much things changed. The fault lies with both of us. Things that have been said, things left unsaid.

The last few weeks now have the honor of being the hardest of my life. I don't remember a time when I felt this much raw emotion. There has been a lot of anger, but mostly I am profoundly sad. I am having a hard time imagining exactly what's ahead for me. We both have regrets, but I don't regret the life we created together. I mourn for the loss of so many things, but most especially I mourn the loss of my best friend and soulmate. I want nothing but the best for him, and I hope he finds it.