Sigh.

My heart hurts.

Life isn't all rainbows and unicorns. Sometimes it really really stinks.

Someone very close to me said some very hurtful things to me last night. Some of them are probably true, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. I didn't sleep at all. I had to be at work for a 7:30 am meeting - a good two hours before I normally show up. The meeting has to do with a major shake-up - something that is causing everyone at work to be on edge. I am exhausted.

Something that I have been looking forward to for months and invested dozens of hours of my time in has been ripped out from underneath me. I am very sad for the loss.

My house is a mess. It should be a sanctuary and a place for me to be able to relax and unwind. An island of calm in a stressed out world. Not so much. There is so much clutter creating negative energy. It has been raining so much and for so long that the backyard is a swamp and muddy dog prints are everywhere.

I am really sad and hurt and down and lost right now.

At least my dogs still love me.

A little trip down memory lane

This weekend I will be heading back to the town where I went to college for a sorority reunion. I haven't been there since the day I moved away many years ago. I have kept in touch with a few girls off and on, and thanks to the miracle that is Facebook I am now in touch with several more. There has been quite a buzz since we haven't been together in years.

I dug out my old scrapbooks to take a little trip down memory lane. There were several recurring themes. Lots of good times. Lots of bows. Lots of hair. Very big hair. Cute Boys. Lack of sunscreen. Road trips. Laughter. Questionable fashion choices.

Strangely, there was no evidence of libraries, vegetables, or early morning jogs.

A whole lot of booze and tanning bed rays must have damaged my brain, because I really don't remember a lot of the details. Pretty sad really, but not too unusual for me. Friends often recall things that happened even recently that I just can't remember.

The Rock Star gives me a hard time rather often because I am constantly forgetting things that happened or we talked about. Just this week he noticed a scuff on my bumper and on the doorway to the garage. He asked me if I hit something, and of course I said no. Then I started thinking that maybe I did - I just can't quite remember. How do you forget driving into a wall?

Part of the problem is that often I don't think that I am really paying attention or living in the moment. That certainly needs to change. It is said that to fight off dementia and Alzheimers people should keep their brains active with crosswords, puzzles, reading etc.

I better do something, because at this rate, by the time I am 50 I will be shuffling around the neighborhood in my bathrobe looking for our cat that died 6 years ago and trying to remember which house is mine.

Round and Round

A few weeks ago I had my first experience with roller derby.

A friend has been part of the derby league in Dallas for years. For years, we have told her we would come watch. And we really meant it, but we never seemed to get there. She had to threaten to retire to finally get our butts in gear.

I just have to say . . . roller derby is awesome! Rowdy crowd, witty names, fast-pace, cheap beer = hell of a way to spend the evening.

The names and numbers are great: Jackie O'NiceAss, June Carter Crash, Smashley Simpson, Nitro-Jen, Rink Panther, Filmore Pain, Strawberry Deathcake. I want to join just to get a cool name.

Most of the crowd seemed to be regulars. Luckily for our group they print the rules in the program and members of the crowd are happy to explain the nuances of the game (match? bout?). Before long we actually understood what was happening and were cheering along.

The energy was fabulous. These women are loud and proud and the stands are full of boyfriends, husbands, girlfriends, children, parents and friends who are proud to support them. Who doesn't want to spend time with strong, empowered, confident women? As Martha would say, It's a good thing.

Hopefully the movie Whip It will make it even more popular. More people should enjoy the derby.

Banned Books Week Sept 26 - Oct 3

I have always loved to read. From my earliest days I can remember my dad reading to me every single night. Of course there were the normal children's stories. My absolute favorite was Fantastic Mr Fox, a fabulous book by Roald Dahl which is about to be released as a movie voiced by George Clooney. I bet my dad read that book to me 100 times. I also remember the Bunnicula series, The Chronicles of Narnia, and everything by Shel Silverstein. Big books, small books, thick books, skinny books. Big words, small words. What seems a bit unusual (or at least I haven't heard of others doing this) is that we also read a lot of non-fiction. We read National Geographic books about nature and animals. We read history and science books. Biographies and Tell me Why.

I grew up in a big old rambling house. There were books everywhere. Shelves upon shelves of books about anything and everything. Fiction and non-fiction. Old and new. Reading and learning wasn't really encouraged - it didn't have to be. It just happened. As the only child at home and living in a small town in the middle of nowhere books were the path to a million adventures.

As an adult, I have gone through phases. Sometimes life gets in the way of reading, but I always find my way back to books. I am in two different book clubs. One is the normal kind of club - women and wine and (usually) mainstream novels. The other is made of a motley crew of coworkers - all men, all quite a bit older than I am. We only read books from the list of the 100 greatest novels of the 20th century. Many times we have preconceived notions of what a book will be, often times we are wrong. The books are widely varied and so are the points of view. It is wonderful to be able to be a part of it.

Banned books? I guess I just don't understand. Why would someone think that they should make choices for me? That they are qualified to decide what is appropriate and what is not. I fully admit that there is a lot of crap published in this world. But I also would never presume to say that it doesn't have the right to exist. I would never tell anyone what they can and can not read or do or think. If everyone in the world spent more time worrying about themselves and less time worrying about others, I think that the world would be a much better place.

Each year for banned books week I try to read another book on the banned books list. This year, it will be The Chocolate War. My sincere hope is that many others do the same.